Mothers-in-Law: Quit Destroying Your Son’s Spouse
Posted: Thursday, August 14, 2008
by Abigail Richards
We see mothers of sons made fun of all the time on the screen. Between Everybody Loves Raymond to Monster-in-law, mother-in-laws look to be getting a bad rap. But are they?
The number one topic among my girlfriends and I is mothers-in-law. I know it seems sad that the majority of our time is spent discussing the mothers of the love of our lives, but that is the person who causes us the most stress.
Believe me, my friends have much worse mother-in-law issues, but I can’t help but feel like something is missing at times from my relationship with the mother of the man I fell in love with over ten years ago.
It seems somewhere along the years, we decided to be civil, but not close. I hate missing out on having that closeness. Several times a week we call to share news everyone takes turns talking, but not me. When she calls, she calls her son not me. I guess issues from the past never go away.
Let’s get back to the point of this article. How can mothers-in-laws not end up as the stereotypical, hated one? Here are a few observations I have seen from run-ins that my friends have. These tips will relieve the tension between you and your daughter-in-law.
You don’t have a choice
You raised your son to make a good decision. The sooner you accept that you are not picking the one he will spend the rest of his life with, the better off you will be. The Bible is very clear in that the son is to “leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife." If you continue to treat your daughter-in-law like she is not your choice for her son, tension will continue. You get no say in this decision. He will be living with this person the rest of his life long after you are gone so you are only hurting the situation by treating her like she is the wrong choice. Furthermore, you are pushing your son farther away. He has made the choice. He chose her. She is the most important thing right now. You should rejoice in that you raised him right to put his wife first.
Don’t criticize
She knows you raised him, but her ways might not be wrong. Put yourself in her place once in a while. Realize that when you criticize her children, the way she decorates, the way she cooks, etc., you are hurting her. All she wants is to win your approval, so those criticisms go right to the heart. Remember what it was like to be young and trying to please a husband. Cut her some slack.
Don’t talk bad about your daughter-in-law
Even if your son’s spouse is not in the room, don’t ever say anything negative. You never know when she is listening and it is the lowest of low. I have a friend whose mother-in-law would talk badly about her on the phone to other friends while she was in the room. How would you feel if she did the same to you? Show some maturity and keep your bad thoughts and opinions to yourself. Being called a whore is not easy to forget even if you thought she didn’t hear.
It is not a competition
I know this sounds repetitive, but for some reason mothers-in-law try to compete with wives. He already chose the person he wants to be with so trying to sabotage their marriage does no one any good. Therefore, don’t try and play your son against his own wife. If you are giving her a favorite recipe, don’t leave out ingredients or change times on purpose. Don’t try to make her look bad and don’t tell her what your son really likes. She knows what he like and she knows him in ways you never will know him.
I know it is hard being the mom of the son. Daughters marry and still want to be part of your life. Sons leave and sometimes never look back. Don’t think of it as losing a son, but gaining a daughter. This way it will be more of a delightful relationship.
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)Abigail, great points. I have been blessed with a great mom-in-law and still, sometimes don't feel completely accepted. The phone thing is so true, when the in-laws call, it isn't to talk to me, but I can deal with that. The longer we are married, the better it gets, so to those daugher-in-laws that read this...pray for your m-i-l and hang in there. God moves in mysterious ways.
Abigail -MYOB just doesn't seem to get through to many. They have to get involved and control no matter what. No only does it destroy the relationship for the couple but both families. What can one do when it is blatant, not much, we are talking parents. To say it deosn't hurt is to, well be untrue. It is one of the fears of all parents who try not to meddle. A lot to consider in what you wrote. Regards.
Each person has the responsibility to put their spouse before their parents. That is called growing up. If your spouse lets his/her mother invade your marriage, then you chose an immature spouse. My own mother treated my spouse poorly on one occasion. I have never given my mother the opportunity to do it again. We are meant to grow up, leave the nest and make our own nest. If our inlaws are good people, that is great. If not, your spouse comes first every time.
Help! I am newly married only nine months and I am not really sure if it is going to last! I am so scared we will split over my mil. the mil and I used to be good friends but over night she changed! now my hatred for her is getting between my husband and I. when I try to talk it out with them its like going through hell. It never seems to help so now I dont even tell him whats wrong I am at the point of lying when he asks whats wrong "oh..i got a headache" "my stomach hurts" I seem to be sick all the time now. I want a good relationship with my husband and mil but I cant stand the fact that the only time my husband and I are alone is in bed. I hate everything about the fact that im not as good in his eyes as his mom and he relys on her for everything! he wont even eat my cooking! I am so hurt and upset and i want to cry daily its aweful! someone please tell me what to do!!
Good work.this so true mothers in law never get satisfied.we are not living with her.my husband used to hate her,but i've explained to my husband that she is his mother so he has to respect her, call her whenever he can ask her if she is doing well.whatever she asked from me i used to give her.i even asked my husband send money for them.that's how i used to live with her.but can you belive what's happening now?she is getting between my husband and I.when she realise that my husband and i had an argument recently, i called her for help.guess what has happened?she's blaming on me.if it was my mother she will never take my side eventhough it is not my fault.that's how mother in law should act if she really wants to affection from her daughter in law.when she realise we are having problems she's trying make it bigger and invade to our lives to break our relationship.my husband used to love me a lot like he has no other persons in his life.but because of my generous to my mother in law my marriage is becoming over.If i loose my husband because of her , I will hate her forever!!!this will serve us a lesson if ever we do have kids, be a good in law in the future cuz we knew how it felt like to be in this situation. just stop the cycle.
I used to get along very well with my ex-mother-in-law. I actually liked her, and she treated me well. My own mother couldn't stand it when I flattered my wife in front of her. If I said, "My wife makes the best cake ever!" my mom would turn red, just like the mother on that pathetic sitcom Everybody Likes Raymond, then she would say, "You know why he's saying that?" as if it was some contest between my wife and my mom.Husbands: Your wife must come first! You married your mate, not your mother!but in laws are good actors/actresses. they play sick etc. when we used to live with my in laws, nobody gave a damn to us & my child because i wasn't working at that time. now that i have a job & pretty much earning more than their son, have a car & house, they want my husband back & now they love my children. they said that they're family & related by blood & should stick to each other because they could always replace the wives not their parents. i'm kind of confused now whether their incest or what. i have a married brother too but never interfere with their lives that's why it's so hard for me to understand why is this happening to me. what will happen to my children? parents are adults & could take care of themselves but children, who's going to take care of them if one of their parent doesn;t want to stop being a child of his parents.
I have an incredible mother-in-law! She's eighty, just dyed her hair platinum and went to Cuba for a week. We can't keep up with her! I know how fortunate I am. I have a wonderful mom and my mother-in-law's been not only like a second mom to me, but a very good friend throughout my marriage.
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