Tips For A Long Lasting Marriage
Posted: Wednesday, November 11, 2009
by Abigail Richards
Marriage is not an easy task. As I write this, several of my friends and even some family members are contemplating divorce.
The Americans for Divorce Reform estimates that "Probably, 40 or possibly even 50 percent of marriages will end in divorce if current trends continue."
I like to say this is not a huge deal because people fall in and out of love all the time. They should get to be happy, right? Unfortunately, divorce has long lasting effects on those involved and those outside.
I think every marriage goes through that stage of questioning. Before I share my tips, I want to preface them by saying they come from a Christian perspective. In my own marriage, we would be divorced if it wasn't for the grace of God. That is who I am and where I come from so I share only what I know. Here are the tips.
Take ten
Take ten minutes every day to reconnect as a couple. It may be the moment you wake up or the moment you go to bed. But take ten minutes together. These moments are not to be spent talking about bills, kids, etc. Talk about the things you did when you first met. Talk about your dreams, goals, etc. Take interest in one another and make sure there are no interruptions during this time.
Focus on the good
No one wants to hear all the time about all their bad qualities. Make a point to remind one another of the good qualities. Also look at what is good in your lives and thank God.
Realize your spouse is a gift
Think back on all the circumstances that brought the two of you together. Realize that your spouse was given to you as a gift from God and then treat him/her that way. I know there are women and men still holding out that they should of married someone else. Get over it. Your spouse is God's gift to you. That guy from high school/college is not who you are meant to be with.
Let go of the past
We all hurt each other. Remembering and harboring those hurts are not healthy for the relationship. Move forward and concentrate on today. Apologize and forgive.
Find your purpose
God put the two of you together for a reason. Find your purpose as a couple. Worship God together. Love God as a couple. Take joy in Jesus and grow close to him individually and as a couple. I think John Piper said it best, "You can actually get to the point that you are delighting in Jesus so much that the spouse is a help in delighting in Jesus and an expression of delighting in Jesus." Imagine how that can transform your marriage? Focus on God not the issues, problems, etc and see how fast they disappear.
Feel free to leave your own tips to a great marriage in the comment section below.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Dear Abigail,these are nice tips, but I dare to say they can work only for those who are "healthy enough". By that I mean: there are spouses, who are Christians, but who are unable to have any joy in Jesus and are unable to make themselves go to Church even, to meet other people who are happy etc., because they are so depressed on a regular basis (either because of marriage problems which are already too deep or for other reasons). Let alone worshipping together with the spouse!The other thing is that one might become aware that one has married to his/her spouse also for the wrong reasons, and not only for the good ones. For ex. a woman might realize she has married her husband because she sensed he has some abusive traits which she was accustomed to with her father, and not despite this fact. When we choose our spouses we do so also very much sub- or uncounsciously, whether we like it or not. Even while both husband and wife are Christians, worship together etc. Then we might "wake up" a few years into marriage to realize some pretty deep and "nasty" things and we just don't know how to deal with this truth.I believe that even such, very deep troubles can be dealt with, but it takes more than the tips you gave here. It takes persistent faith even where, for years, most things seem to go wrong and no permanent change to the better is perceived in marriage. Jesus did not said in vain that he "commands" that we love one another.
Having said that, I by no means think that these tips are bad or wrong - what I mean is only that they work only for certain group of people: the spouses, who are going through their life with less emotional damage or have already gone through hell and came back, can deal with that with other tools, and can now go on with a more light-weight advice too.
All good advice Abigail. I believe in doing what it takes to make marriage work to a point. But if we believe everything happens for a reason maybe that applies to divorce as well. I've known people who have come through divorce, found new love and are actually happy for one another. Maybe you were meant to be with the guy from high school or college, just not first time around? As for children, I know divorce is a terrible thing for them, but living in a household where they don't get to witness a loving relationship may do them more damage in the long run.
I think this is a great article. Many good points and good perspective. Thanks for writing it!
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